The Nurturer in Me
(& Us as Women)
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Dar said “Whatever you do Janet, don’t get on that roller coaster with them. Just give them a hug and a kiss, wish them well, and remind them you’ll always be here when they get off.”
Ahhh… teenagers! Best advice I ever received. Of course, I didn’t completely follow her advice and Oh Boy, those roller coasters!
I would venture to say that not only are most mothers Nurturers but so are women in general. Quite literally, it’s in our very fiber. Over centuries, we’ve been the caretakers, the nurses, the cultivators, the nourishers.
Having been a mom since the age of 25, I have proudly worn that crown for over 37 years now, Mimi for over 12 years, and I wouldn’t trade that distinction for anything in the world.
I love being a mom and a Nurturer. For the longest time, being a mom and a Nurturer was my complete identity. Even after I started my business, when people asked me what I did I would lead with being a Mom. It took me a good three years before I started leading with Marketing. It’s still a strong part of my being - in the way I think, the way I care, the way I interact with people.
If you’ve taken the Money Quiz and Nurturer popped up as your primary or even in your top three you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Nurturers have the BIGGEST HEARTS! They’re naturally generous, driven to protect, shelter, and nurture others. They’re excellent friends and employees - devoted, reliable, loyal. They’re the first to run to someone’s aid - be it family, friend, client, or community.
TRUE STORY: I actually made a “So Sorry” casserole for the husband of the woman my husband had run off with because I felt so badly for him! Not sure why I didn’t make a casserole, or better yet a cake, for myself! That was beyond the call of duty!
You know what I used to hear all the time?
“Janet, you’re too nice?”
I would beam at the sound of it and wear it like a badge of honor wondering how could anyone possibly be TOO NICE?
I’d also hear…
“Janet, you’re the most patient person I’ve ever known.”
Yeeesss! Another badge for my sash of apparent self-worth.
“Too Nice. So Patient.”
I peacock-proudly wore my sash of “Too Nice, So Patient”, unconsciously attracting needy and entitled people into my orbit. Eventually, I would feel taken advantage of and resentful, only to find martyrdom sprawled on the couch in his sweatpants sucking down a beer living rent free.
As Nurturer’s, moving ourselves to the top of our To-Do list can be a serious struggle. Yet it’s critical… not only for our sense of worth but also for our bank balance.
ACTION STEP:
I use a concentric approach - beginning with the outermost circle and moving inward.
Imagine a bullseye target with 4 colors of circles (you pick the colors).
Color 1: The inner circles are your family - kids, spouses, significant others, mom, dad, siblings, cousins, etc.
Color 2: The next color group outside of family are your friends.
Color 3: Next color group are your business circles - partners, employees, clients, colleagues.
Color 4: The last color group of outer circles include your community - committees, boards, etc.
Get as specific as you like with your circles, identifying real people.
Identify the people in these circles and then ask yourself questions about your relationship with them that brings out the Nurturer in you. These questions will change as you go into your inner circles and the relationships become more personal.
Do you over deliver to them?
Do you allow them to not pay you in a timely manner?
Do you secretly expect something in return from them?
Do you internally feeling resentful of them?
Do you feel they’re taking advantage of you?
Do you lend them money?
Now that you’ve identified the feelings, you can begin to change your actions.
The absolute best help for me in voicing and delivering new boundaries is with scripts.
As a Nurturer, you’ve been too nice and so patient, so coming up with words, let alone saying them, can be completely foreign and downright terrifying.
Scripts are an important aspect in the Master Your Money Course to help you find the words and the courage to deliver them.
I promise you, Sweet Woman with the Biggest Heart Ever, once you actually say, or write, those words of loving boundaries, you will feel lighter, stronger, freer, and your heart will actually grow three sizes that day.
Sweetie, you are no Grinch and the farthest from it, but you have allowed him to sit on your couch for way too long. His name is likely Martyrdom or Resentful. It’s time he moves out.
And time for you to redefine your loving role as Nurturer with healthy boundaries…
Allowing you to stay as nurtured as the ones you nurture.
“Clear love is the kindest and strongest love.” - Janet Hutchens
“As women, we are the natural nurturers, yet we need to be nurtured to.
Begin by nurturing your mind with great thoughts about yourself.”
-Janet Hutchens